“How is your heart doing?” 

“Tired, my hearts tired.” 

This was a small part of a conversation that I had with my squad mentor while at our debrief in Peru. 

The truth is the last several months have been anything but restful.  

Over the course of the last few months, after reflection today, I realized that I had been in survival mode.  I had been in this head space where I wasn’t allowing myself to feel emotions and in a sense, I was in fight or flight mode 24/7.  I felt like I had to be 100% on 100% of the time. And after (mostly) subconsciously doing this for the last 4 months, I am tired.  

It is almost one of those situations where I am not even necessarily physically tired, but my heart and soul are tired. 

After eight months of being on the field, it beginnings to ware on a person.

Eight months of constant change. 

Eight months of dropping in our new “home” for a few weeks and then moving on to a new different “home” in a completely different country. 

Eight months of meeting people, making meaningful connections with them, and then having to say goodbye a few weeks later. And having to start over when we transition countries.

Eight months of having little say in my schedule. 

Eight months of having to wonder whether or not we can drink the water without getting sick.

Eight months of being stared at simply because we are Americans. 

Any one of these things by themselves really aren’t that big of a deal.  But this list is really just the beginning. After eight months, each of these individual things start to pile on top of each other.  The things that weren’t that big of a deal in the beginning are now overwhelming. 

I am not sure what I expected when I signed up for the race, but this wasn’t it. 

I expected it to be difficult in different ways than it actually is. 

I expected community to come more naturally than it does. 

I expected it to be a journey filled with nonstop adventure. 

I expected reading my Bible, praying, and other spiritual disciples to come more naturally. 

While all of this has compiled into a big jumbled mess, it is a mess that I wouldn’t change for the world. 

While the last eight months have been some of the most difficult and challenging of my life, they have also been of the most life giving and soul satisfying moments as well.  

With each hardship or challenge that comes my way, I am faced with two options: 1. Seek the Lord and depend on Him for strength or 2. Literally anything else that I try to do

It might seem like option 1 would be my default. After all, I am on a mission trip right? 

Wrong.

Option 1 is often way more difficult and way more challenging than option 2. Often time option two is easy, it takes the least amount of effort or work. 

However, each time I don’t actively choose God, I find myself feeling even more empty, hurting, and broken. It isn’t always something that happens instantly, but eventually, if I don’t choose God, I come up short. 

This has been something that I have to keep learning and growing in each month. Does choosing God get easier? Sometimes. Other times not so much.  I have to continuously keep flighting my fleshly desires over and over and over again. It is difficult, but it is always worth it. 

So when I was faced with the question of how my heart was doing, it felt like a very complicated answer.  It is one of those questions that has many different answers and facets.  It is one of those questions that at this point in the race, I am not completely sure how to honestly answer. 

Sometimes it depends on the day as to how my heart is doing.  Other times it depends on the moment. With feelings ever changing and moods ever changing, it complicates things. 

But through all of it, one thing still remains the same: God is constant. He never changes and His character never changes. Regardless of what I am facing or what I am feeling, God stays the same. 

This is one of those concepts that is difficult to fully comprehend. But it is also one that becomes easier to fully accept the more closely I continue walking in relationship with Him. 

N-Squad is currently in the process of transitioning CONTINENTS! 

We started 9/1 at 12 pm, drove through the night and made it to the Lima Airport at about 3 pm on 9/2. From here, we will have three flights (approx 33 hours), three layovers (approx 30 hours), and then one more bus ride before we make it to Eswatini on 9/5. 

Over these next several days anytime you think of anyone on our squad, please take a moment and pray for us. 

Pray over us as we spend all of this time in planes, airports, and buses.

Pray over our minds and our hearts as these days will be long and tiring. 

Pray for GREAT attitudes and that we still continue to look to the Lord for strength. 

Pray over us as we completely change cultures and languages and continents.