The power our words have is huge.  

Yeah yeah yeah, I know. This is something that your mom used to walks tell you and you would just brush it off like nothing, or at least that’s what I did.  But now, I am starting to realize just how right she was.  

I have never been the faster runner or the one that could jump the highest.  I have never been able to pull out a  guitar and lead worship.  And for most of my life (okay actually all of my life that I can remember) I have always had this thought (lie) that I couldn’t do any of those things.  That I wouldn’t be the best at them, so why even try at all.  This was true in school and sports all of my years growing up.  This was always true in my college classes and activities.  If I didn’t think that I would be the best at something, then I told myself I can’t do it, so I wouldn’t.  I didn’t realize how big of a problem that was until recently.  

The past several months the Lord has been completely stripping my identity.  For the longest time I placed my identity in fleeting things of this world and not in the Lord.  But thankfully our God is gracious and has been teaching and showing me what it looks like to put my identity in Him. 

For the first few months, this stripping and rebuilding process was almost and every day thing.  It was right in my face 100% of the time and I felt like I couldn’t run from it.  God would reveal an area of my life that I was still finding my identity in the world or in those around me and, once I surrendered it to Him, He would strip me and begin to build me back up.  

Then ever so gradually I started to get bogged down.  I felt like all of the BIG identity roots that I had that were false, had been ripped out and were in the process of being restored.  I remember thinking “huh, was that it? Yes my identity was messed up, but surely there is more.”  But then the Lord began teaching me other things like what being dependent on Him looks like and I quickly forgot my previous questions. 

That is until in the last couple of days. Here recently, I felt as though I had hit a brick wall.  This might not make since, but it was almost one of those situations where I didn’t know the wall was right in front of me until I hit it.  I’m not sure if the ‘wall’ jumped out of nowhere or if I just had blinders to it, but nevertheless, I hit it.  

There was a large group of us walking out of La Reserva in the Darien Region of Panama.  We had stayed a couple of nights with a tribe of Embera people that live in that area.  We had our bags on our backs and we were all walking up and out of their home near the river to the road where the Chiva would take us back into town.  

As we were walking, lies began to come flooding into my mind.  Lies like “you’re not good enough” and many others like it came rushing into my mind as I was walking up this hill.  It was almost deafening and felt suffocating.  As I walked up, up, up the couple of hills that seemed endless, I started to talk to God.  I started asking Him where all of these lies were coming from and why they were popping up now.  

Eventually, I came to the realization (thanks Holy Spirit!) that these were things I was still believing about myself, especially whenever it came to performance based things.  I was still holding onto these false identities and again, I had no idea.  I was still walking and acting out of the place of “I won’t be the best so I shouldn’t try” or in this case “I won’t get to the top first, so I’m not good enough.”  

When I was growing up if I ever said “I can’t” around my brother, he would always be quick to reply “can’t never did anything” which I am realizing now, is so incredibly true.  

All of these doubts and lies I have been believing about myself for so long are all me tearing myself down.  

I no longer act out of a place of fear of man or anything like that (come on FREEDOM! Thanks God!) But I have realized in the last couple of days that I am my own worst enemy.  I have, in essence, put myself in a box and have a list of all of the things I can and can’t do.  And I have been living by that list, I have been making decisions by that list, and so on.  

Now if you are here for some big break through moment I had with the Lord on this one, this isn’t that.  

Like I have said, all of this is very new and very fresh.  

But I have learned in the last several months that the only place that the enemy has any sort of room is in the silent, secret places.  

I no longer want to put myself in a box with a list of things that I say I can or can’t do. 

I believe that God created me in His image and He loves and adores me.  

I am now just in the part of my identity journey where I learn to believe on a heart level that I am worthy of His love. That I am enough, never too much and never not enough, for Him.  

I invite you into this journey with me. 

I ask that as the Lord continues to strip and rebuild me that you pray for me and my heart and my mind throughout all of this.  Stuff like this is never easy, but the temporary pain/discomfort is always worth it for eternal freedom.